Armstrong Doesn’t See Kerry as a Bicyclist

(SAINT-ETIENNE, France) Lance Armstrong does not think that Sen. John Kerry would make a terrific bicyclist but fears he'll try anyway.

During his warmup for Saturday's time trial, the Texan watched the Democrat from Massachusetts who was sitting in the back seat of a black Peugeot limousine under the Eiffel Tower.

Armstrong listed the Senator's losing qualities. "What made him so awful during the presidential election was the lack of focus, discipline, intelligence and strategic ability-- his inability to just take it on and go," Armstrong said.

Those qualities would not serve Kerry well were he a bicycle racer, Armstrong said. "I think he'd be terrible; he'd be a loser. I just hope he doesn’t race for our team," said Armstrong, an avid fan of politics.

Armstrong said he had tapes of last year's acceptance speech by Kerry delivered during the Democratic National Convention last year.

Kerry, who has no plans to retire from the Senate, sealed his historic loss for the presidency last November. He has not ruled out a career in bicycling should he lose again.

Like Kerry haters around the world, Armstrong refuses to wear his hair in the bouffant style, but he did release all his records when pressed to do so, which Kerry has yet to do.

"He's a loser with an fraudulent personal story, and he doesn’t understand regular folks," Armstrong said of Kerry's losing effort. "He's one of the most pathetic political failures of all time," he said. "His sheer stupidity is stunning."

Kerry Sidelined with Food Poisoning

(BROOKLINE) A quick meal with campaign contributors at Tortilla Palace in this upscale Boston suburb turned into a gastric disaster for also-ran John F. Kerry. Forced to comment while doubled over in the restaurant’s parking lot, all Kerry could say was, “It gives new meaning to the expression cut and run.”

Kerry’s Negative Poll Numbers Traced to Senator’s Office

(WASHINGTON) CNN puts Bush up by five; Zogby has him up by three; Gallop by eight. What gives? Could clandestine manipulation by the junior Senator from New York have something to do with it? Sources inside the posh Capitol Hill offices of Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton say yes.

Phone records turned into Fit-To-Print News indicate frequent daily calls to all three polling organizations, in addition to Rasmussenreports, which also shows the President pulling away in his race against Massachusetts’s own junior Senator John Kerry.

Hillary said privately on Tuesday that the more Bush appears to lead Kerry in the polls, the lower traditional Democratic voter turnout will be. Critics have long argued that Hillary Clinton would prefer to see Kerry lose to make way for her own nomination in 2008, though she has flatly denied it.

“You can see it in her eyes,” our source reports. “She’s like a starved woman slavering over a Thanksgiving dinner. She can almost taste the presidency.”

A witness corroborated, adding, “If she had a mustache, she’d be twisting it like Simon Legree.”

Insiders also insist that a recent press release stating that Hillary’s post-op husband Bill is too fatigued to campaign for Kerry are greatly exaggerated. “I watched him absolutely cream Mary Beth Cahill in a squash match last Tuesday,” our source said. “His sweat had sweat, if you know what I mean.”

Bill Clinton Demands Kerry Step Down

(NEW YORK) -- In a fiery speech in Harlem’s famed John the Baptist church, Clinton demanded Kerry step down as the presumptive presidential nominee of the Democrat Party.

“We need honesty from our leaders,” he said, pounding his fist on the pulpit. “And Kerry hasn’t been honest.”

Flanked by his wife Hillary, and Al Sharpton, Clinton excoriated Kerry as a serial exaggerator who fudged on his war-time activities. “He won’t feel your pain like I feel your pain,” Clinton said, paraphrasing one of his more memorable lines. “Because he’s never felt pain.”

Members of the congregation met Clinton’s remarks with repeated “amens,” and “praise the Lords.”

Clinton’s wife, Hillary, now junior Senator from New York, is widely regarded as 2008’s presidential frontrunner on the Democrat side. Clinton, however, refused to suggest his wife as Kerry’s replacement, should he step down.