Nobel Committee Rescinds Arafat's Peace Prize, Gives it to Hamas

(STOCKHØLM) The Nobel Peace Prize Committee has acted to rescind Yasser Arafat's Peace Prize effective immediately, and to give it to Hamas, the Palestinian Sunni Islamist organization currently governing the people of the Palestinian National Authority.

"They have it anyway," said Jander Skølfin, Third Executive Director to the Vice Chairman of the Nobel Prize Committee. Skølfin was referring to Hamas's acquisition yesterday of Arafat's 1994 Peace Prize during Hamas's exploratory sortee of Arafat's premises.

Although the Committee had heard undocumented charges that Arafat had siphoned billions of dollars of humanitarian aide meant for the Palestinian people, that fact "came home," as Skølfin phrased it, after the world witnessed the Palestinian people swipe Arafat's widow's clothes and shoes. "One day the world will know just how much Hamas really cares," he added.

In making their decision, the Nobel Peace Prize Committee also cited Nobel Peace Prize winner and former US President Jimmy Carter, who, in January 2006, stated, "There have been no complaints of corruption against Hamas's elected officials."

Hamas joins other groups, rather than individuals, who have received the granddaddy of all awards. These include The Office of the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees, the International Labour Organization (I.L.O.) in Geneva, and International Physicians for the Prevention of Nuclear War located in Boston.

President Carter Quietly Pledged Support to Fidel

(HAVANA) -- More than a year after Venezuela's divisive reelection of Hugo Chavez, intelligence sources have confirmed that former President Jimmy Carter chartered a fishing boat from Caracas to Havana to pledge his support for Cuba’s longstanding dictator, Fidel Castro.

Although Carter initially denied the trip, satellite photos proved that he did indeed travel across the Caribbean immediately after declaring Hugo Chavez’s August 15, 2004 election valid.

The meeting between Carter and Fidel, broadcast widely on Cuban television and picked up by receivers at Guantanamo Bay, showed a cordial display of handshaking and backslapping followed by cigar smoking.

Despite the lack of audio, intel lip readers and Spanish translators have confirmed that Carter praised Cuba’s alleged 100% literacy, racial harmony and universal health care. Carter could not be reached for comment.