Sunday, September 18, 2005

President Carter Quietly Pledged Support to Fidel

(HAVANA) -- More than a year after Venezuela's divisive reelection of Hugo Chavez, intelligence sources have confirmed that former President Jimmy Carter chartered a fishing boat from Caracas to Havana to pledge his support for Cuba’s longstanding dictator, Fidel Castro.

Although Carter initially denied the trip, satellite photos proved that he did indeed travel across the Caribbean immediately after declaring Hugo Chavez’s August 15, 2004 election valid.

The meeting between Carter and Fidel, broadcast widely on Cuban television and picked up by receivers at Guantanamo Bay, showed a cordial display of handshaking and backslapping followed by cigar smoking.

Despite the lack of audio, intel lip readers and Spanish translators have confirmed that Carter praised Cuba’s alleged 100% literacy, racial harmony and universal health care. Carter could not be reached for comment.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Armstrong Doesn’t See Kerry as a Bicyclist

(SAINT-ETIENNE, France) Lance Armstrong does not think that Sen. John Kerry would make a terrific bicyclist but fears he'll try anyway.

During his warmup for Saturday's time trial, the Texan watched the Democrat from Massachusetts who was sitting in the back seat of a black Peugeot limousine under the Eiffel Tower.

Armstrong listed the Senator's losing qualities. "What made him so awful during the presidential election was the lack of focus, discipline, intelligence and strategic ability-- his inability to just take it on and go," Armstrong said.

Those qualities would not serve Kerry well were he a bicycle racer, Armstrong said. "I think he'd be terrible; he'd be a loser. I just hope he doesn’t race for our team," said Armstrong, an avid fan of politics.

Armstrong said he had tapes of last year's acceptance speech by Kerry delivered during the Democratic National Convention last year.

Kerry, who has no plans to retire from the Senate, sealed his historic loss for the presidency last November. He has not ruled out a career in bicycling should he lose again.

Like Kerry haters around the world, Armstrong refuses to wear his hair in the bouffant style, but he did release all his records when pressed to do so, which Kerry has yet to do.

"He's a loser with an fraudulent personal story, and he doesn’t understand regular folks," Armstrong said of Kerry's losing effort. "He's one of the most pathetic political failures of all time," he said. "His sheer stupidity is stunning."