Saturday, July 14, 2007

Hillary Camp Accuses Edwards of Sandbagging

(DETROIT) Fearing a backlash after a Fox News microphone picked up a private conversation between Hillary Clinton and John Edwards, the Clinton camp has accused Edwards of trying to sandbag her campaign. Officials fear that Hillary’s candid, unscripted remarks about her Democratic rivals might make hear appear cold and nasty.

Donna Tremaine, spokesperson for Urban Women for Hillary, accused Edwards of deliberately standing near the live microphone and goading Hillary into saying the opposite of what she really meant.

“Hillary has been taken totally out of context,” Tremaine argued, alluding to one particular remark whispered by Hillary to Edwards at a forum sponsored by the NAACP in Detroit. “What Hillary was referring to when she said, ‘We’ve got to cut the number,’ is the number of troops we have to cut in Iraq, not the number of people allowed to participate in upcoming debates for the Democratic nomination.”

Tremaine insists that Edwards, aware that the Fox News microphone was on, deliberately changed the topic of conversation from the Iraq war to the barring of second and third tier candidates from upcoming debates. “Edwards always knows when the microphones are on,” she said.

Gloria Gilchrist, an Edwards spokesperson, disagrees. “Hillary’s in panic mode. She knows exactly what she said and what she meant.” However, when asked if Edwards also meant to try to limit the number of participants in upcoming debates, she responded, “Absolutely not. Edwards believes in being inclusive.”

Campaign watchers know how quickly political fortunes can turn in a profession that is 99% perception. For example, Howard Dean’s presidential campaign tanked after his now famous scream in 2004. A more recent example is Edwards himself, whose poll numbers immediately declined after a report disclosing his $400 haircuts.

An anonymous rep from the Hillary camp accused Edwards of embarking on a 12-city poverty tour to undo the damage from the disastrous haircut publicity. “You don’t think that’s what driving his upcoming 12-city poverty tour?” The rep asked, adding, “Now you know why he’s trying to sandbag Hillary.”

Edwards says he will try to find a solution for the 37 million people living in poverty in the United States. He has pledged not to campaign during this tour.

Edwards could not be reached for comment.
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Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Hot Dog Hillary

(CONEY ISLAND) Joey Chestnut’s world record shattering total of 66 hot dogs consumed in 12 minutes was overshadowed by Senator Hillary Clinton’s first time participation in today's annual Coney Island hot dog eating contest.

Mrs. Clinton, Democratic Presidential candidate, shoved down a respectable 49 hot dogs, or one for every Republican in the Senate.

Although most fans were rooting for Chestnut or six-time champion Takeru Kobayashi, his Japanese rival, to win, Mrs. Clinton did have at least one fan, a woman carrying a sign that read, “If you become President, we’ll eat hot dogs every day.”

Although the outcome of the two frontrunners did not become clear until the final two minutes, there was never a doubt that Mrs. Clinton could do no better than third. In fact, if it hadn’t been for a last spirited shove and gulp, she might have come in fourth.

“I’ve been devouring hot dogs since my girlhood days in Illinois,” she said immediately following the contest, stunning the crowd into subdued murmurs. Quickly realizing her faux pas, Mrs. Clinton added, “I have continued devouring hot dogs here in New York, the greatest city in the world, and I will continue devouring hot dogs in the White House.”
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Sunday, June 17, 2007

Nobel Committee Rescinds Arafat's Peace Prize, Gives it to Hamas

(STOCKHØLM) The Nobel Peace Prize Committee has acted to rescind Yasser Arafat's Peace Prize effective immediately, and to give it to Hamas, the Palestinian Sunni Islamist organization currently governing the people of the Palestinian National Authority.

"They have it anyway," said Jander Skølfin, Third Executive Director to the Vice Chairman of the Nobel Prize Committee. Skølfin was referring to Hamas's acquisition yesterday of Arafat's 1994 Peace Prize during Hamas's exploratory sortee of Arafat's premises.

Although the Committee had heard undocumented charges that Arafat had siphoned billions of dollars of humanitarian aide meant for the Palestinian people, that fact "came home," as Skølfin phrased it, after the world witnessed the Palestinian people swipe Arafat's widow's clothes and shoes. "One day the world will know just how much Hamas really cares," he added.

In making their decision, the Nobel Peace Prize Committee also cited Nobel Peace Prize winner and former US President Jimmy Carter, who, in January 2006, stated, "There have been no complaints of corruption against Hamas's elected officials."

Hamas joins other groups, rather than individuals, who have received the granddaddy of all awards. These include The Office of the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees, the International Labour Organization (I.L.O.) in Geneva, and International Physicians for the Prevention of Nuclear War located in Boston.

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Sunday, April 01, 2007

Ex-Aide’s Loss of Faith in Bush Linked to Rove Rift

Making a Palm Sunday splash on the front page of the New York Times, Matthew Dowd, ex-aid to President Bush, says that because he has lost faith in Bush he must “speak out now.”

Dowd, a former Democrat turned Republican turned Democrat, says that Bush’s my-way-or-the-highway style of leadership has failed “not only the American people, but the Iraqi people and the diverse peoples of the world.”

Dowd, a self-described member of Bush’s inner circle, dismisses the suggestion that he has turned on the President because Karl Rove, and not Dowd, remains the president’s most trusted advisor. Rumors have circulated that tensions between the two began in 2004 over differing presidential campaign strategies in Ohio, which have since intensified.

According to one campaign insider who would only speak anonymously, Dowd wanted to pander to what he called the “marshmallow middle,” while Rove thought the best strategy was to rev up the “red-meat base.” Since that day, our source says, Rove has provocatively and repeatedly poked Dowd in the stomach -- often in front of the President -- and alternately called him “marshmallow man” or “Pillsbury dough boy,” which makes Dowd seethe.

What’s more, Dowd denies ever telling reporter Brandon Kirk of Roll Call that Rove should have been canned with Donald Rumsfeld, insisting that his lunchtime conversation with Kirk last November was “off the record.”

Kirk says otherwise. “I asked him flat out if I could quote [Dowd] on what he said about Rove, and he said ‘sh** yeah.’ I can’t help it if he had four martinis and can’t remember squat.”

Dowd, whose son is preparing for deployment in the Iraq War, has called for America’s immediate withdrawal from Iraq. In addition, the Times revealed today that Dowd penned a never-submitted “Kerry Was Right” op ed, which agreed with John Kerry’s call to unconditionally withdraw from Iraq.

Dowd bristled at his comparison with Judas as raised by Linda Tico, a FoxNews intern, during this morning’s short question-and-answer session at the Washington Press Club. Dowd admitted that “it never even occurred to me that this was Palm Sunday,” angrily adding, “I’m no more a Judas than Bush is a Jesus.”

Offers for interviews have poured in since Dowd’s announcement, jam-packing an already full itinerary. Besides interviews with CBS, ABC, NBC and PBS News, as well as the Washington Post, Los Angeles Times, National Public Radio, Newsweek, Time, US News and World Report, Harpers, The New Yorker, The Nation and The New Republic, he is scheduled to appear on next Sunday’s Sixty Minutes, as well as having a one-on-one sit-down with Barbara Walters that ABC has scheduled immediately following next Monday’s Dancing with the Stars.

In addition, Paramount Pictures announced yesterday that it has optioned Dowd’s story for a major motion picture in the fall of 2008, with Sean Penn, Robert Downey Jr. and George Clooney as suggested leads.

It was also announced on Thursday that Dowd has been short-listed for a 2007 Peabody Award in the Public Service category.

A short statement from the President’s office wished Dowd well in all his future endeavors.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

New Venezuelan Currency Nicknamed The "Bárbara"

(CARACAS) In an effort to stanch the eroding value of Venezuelan currency, President Hugo Chávez has issued a new currency with a new name, the "Bárbara."

Chávez hopes to stem the steep tide of inflation by lopping off approximately two zeros and turning the 1000 bolivar coin into a coin valued at 12-1/2 "fuerte" or "strong" bolivars.

Chávez has nicknamed the new coin Bárbara because its copper color closely matches Barbara Walters's henna hair. In addition, Barbara's recent interview broadcast on ABC's Good Morning America has "restored my currency as the most important leader of the Western Hemisphere."

In her March 16th interview with Chávez, Walters called Chávez a "dignified man" and forgave him for calling President Bush a "devil" and a "donkey."

Barbara added that Chávez "is not the crazy man that we have heard," referring to Chávez's famous rant earlier this year at the UN when he compared Bush to Satan.

"[Chávez] cares very much about poverty," Barbara continued, explaining how he helped bring oil to the poor of the United States this winter. "This is a very intelligent man."

Chávez dismisses his critics' assessment that his takeover of oil, electric and phone companies, or his price fixing of commodities, or the exodus of foreign capital from Venezuela has anything to do with this year's 20% spike in inflation, the highest in Latin America. "What else would you expect capitalists to say?"

Instead, Chávez blames food hoarders and black marketeers, which he called "puercos sucios" or "dirty pigs," for jacking up prices on a broad range of commodities.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Maple Trees Upset by Warming Winters

(BRATTLEBORO, VT) Vermonters may have to shutter up their sugar shacks and shuffle off to Canada if they want to continue to live off the largesse of the maple tree.

Man-made or not, global warming seems to be shortening the sugaring season and causing our rough-skinned friends to skimp on the sweet sauce.

Eco-farmer, Matthias Jarling, who green farms 122 acres outside of Brattleboro, has seen his maple syrup output shrink by 38% since 1980. He insists that his trees are angry. "They've been furious since that [expletive deleted] B-actor from Hollywood got elected. With the exception of about three seasons in the mid-90's, they just won't produce."

Prominent scientists speculate that as conditions continue to deteriorate in the northeast, maples will increasingly creep across the border into Canada to find cooler and more favorable conditions.

"Of course they're going to go to Canada," Jarling said, before taking a long moment to reflect as he looked toward the Green Mountains. "Why wouldn't they go to Canada? Canada signed the Kyoto Treaty, didn't they? We didn't. Don't you think these mighty maples can sense who their friends are?"

Jarling was referring to the UN-sponsored Kyoto Protocol, a self-regulating treaty designed to reduce industry-produced greenhouse gases. Many scientists agree that greenhouse gases have drastically shrunk the polar icecaps.

The United States has refused to sign this agreement.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

PETA Asks NYC Mayor to “Save the Rats”

(NEW YORK CITY) The animal rights group PETA has formally petitioned NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg to save the KFC rats. In addition, a small but vocal group of protestors keeping a round-the-clock vigil outside of the restaurant in Greenwich Village vows to take necessary action to prevent what PETA calls mass “ratricide.”

Although many locals expressed disgust at seeing rats at KFC, PETA took the opposite tack, calling them “misunderstood rodents, too long maligned.” According to PETA spokesman Jeremy Swayzee, “they carry no more diseases than humans, and probably aren’t half as infectious.”

Bloomberg’s office declined to answer Swayzee’s petition, instead issuing a document reiterating New York City’s ordinance that requires KFC to exterminate the rats immediately or to face stiff fines or closure.

Local News Camera 2, a CBS affiliate, first caught sight of more than a dozen rats scampering on the floor, up and down chairs, and even across dining tables at the eatery. The video has been picked up by news affiliates around the world, even outlets as far away as France.

“Whoever first exposed them is a rat fink,” Swayzee said before self correcting. “No, make that a human fink.”

Sunday, September 18, 2005

President Carter Quietly Pledged Support to Fidel

(HAVANA) -- More than a year after Venezuela's divisive reelection of Hugo Chavez, intelligence sources have confirmed that former President Jimmy Carter chartered a fishing boat from Caracas to Havana to pledge his support for Cuba’s longstanding dictator, Fidel Castro.

Although Carter initially denied the trip, satellite photos proved that he did indeed travel across the Caribbean immediately after declaring Hugo Chavez’s August 15, 2004 election valid.

The meeting between Carter and Fidel, broadcast widely on Cuban television and picked up by receivers at Guantanamo Bay, showed a cordial display of handshaking and backslapping followed by cigar smoking.

Despite the lack of audio, intel lip readers and Spanish translators have confirmed that Carter praised Cuba’s alleged 100% literacy, racial harmony and universal health care. Carter could not be reached for comment.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Armstrong Doesn’t See Kerry as a Bicyclist

(SAINT-ETIENNE, France) Lance Armstrong does not think that Sen. John Kerry would make a terrific bicyclist but fears he'll try anyway.

During his warmup for Saturday's time trial, the Texan watched the Democrat from Massachusetts who was sitting in the back seat of a black Peugeot limousine under the Eiffel Tower.

Armstrong listed the Senator's losing qualities. "What made him so awful during the presidential election was the lack of focus, discipline, intelligence and strategic ability-- his inability to just take it on and go," Armstrong said.

Those qualities would not serve Kerry well were he a bicycle racer, Armstrong said. "I think he'd be terrible; he'd be a loser. I just hope he doesn’t race for our team," said Armstrong, an avid fan of politics.

Armstrong said he had tapes of last year's acceptance speech by Kerry delivered during the Democratic National Convention last year.

Kerry, who has no plans to retire from the Senate, sealed his historic loss for the presidency last November. He has not ruled out a career in bicycling should he lose again.

Like Kerry haters around the world, Armstrong refuses to wear his hair in the bouffant style, but he did release all his records when pressed to do so, which Kerry has yet to do.

"He's a loser with an fraudulent personal story, and he doesn’t understand regular folks," Armstrong said of Kerry's losing effort. "He's one of the most pathetic political failures of all time," he said. "His sheer stupidity is stunning."