Hillary Camp Accuses Edwards of Sandbagging

(DETROIT) Fearing a backlash after a Fox News microphone picked up a private conversation between Hillary Clinton and John Edwards, the Clinton camp has accused Edwards of trying to sandbag her campaign. Officials fear that Hillary’s candid, unscripted remarks about her Democratic rivals might make hear appear cold and nasty.

Donna Tremaine, spokesperson for Urban Women for Hillary, accused Edwards of deliberately standing near the live microphone and goading Hillary into saying the opposite of what she really meant.

“Hillary has been taken totally out of context,” Tremaine argued, alluding to one particular remark whispered by Hillary to Edwards at a forum sponsored by the NAACP in Detroit. “What Hillary was referring to when she said, ‘We’ve got to cut the number,’ is the number of troops we have to cut in Iraq, not the number of people allowed to participate in upcoming debates for the Democratic nomination.”

Tremaine insists that Edwards, aware that the Fox News microphone was on, deliberately changed the topic of conversation from the Iraq war to the barring of second and third tier candidates from upcoming debates. “Edwards always knows when the microphones are on,” she said.

Gloria Gilchrist, an Edwards spokesperson, disagrees. “Hillary’s in panic mode. She knows exactly what she said and what she meant.” However, when asked if Edwards also meant to try to limit the number of participants in upcoming debates, she responded, “Absolutely not. Edwards believes in being inclusive.”

Campaign watchers know how quickly political fortunes can turn in a profession that is 99% perception. For example, Howard Dean’s presidential campaign tanked after his now famous scream in 2004. A more recent example is Edwards himself, whose poll numbers immediately declined after a report disclosing his $400 haircuts.

An anonymous rep from the Hillary camp accused Edwards of embarking on a 12-city poverty tour to undo the damage from the disastrous haircut publicity. “You don’t think that’s what driving his upcoming 12-city poverty tour?” The rep asked, adding, “Now you know why he’s trying to sandbag Hillary.”

Edwards says he will try to find a solution for the 37 million people living in poverty in the United States. He has pledged not to campaign during this tour.

Edwards could not be reached for comment.

Hot Dog Hillary

(CONEY ISLAND) Joey Chestnut’s world record shattering total of 66 hot dogs consumed in 12 minutes was overshadowed by Senator Hillary Clinton’s first time participation in today's annual Coney Island hot dog eating contest.

Mrs. Clinton, Democratic Presidential candidate, shoved down a respectable 49 hot dogs, or one for every Republican in the Senate.

Although most fans were rooting for Chestnut or six-time champion Takeru Kobayashi, his Japanese rival, to win, Mrs. Clinton did have at least one fan, a woman carrying a sign that read, “If you become President, we’ll eat hot dogs every day.”

Although the outcome of the two frontrunners did not become clear until the final two minutes, there was never a doubt that Mrs. Clinton could do no better than third. In fact, if it hadn’t been for a last spirited shove and gulp, she might have come in fourth.

“I’ve been devouring hot dogs since my girlhood days in Illinois,” she said immediately following the contest, stunning the crowd into subdued murmurs. Quickly realizing her faux pas, Mrs. Clinton added, “I have continued devouring hot dogs here in New York, the greatest city in the world, and I will continue devouring hot dogs in the White House.”

Kerry’s Negative Poll Numbers Traced to Senator’s Office

(WASHINGTON) CNN puts Bush up by five; Zogby has him up by three; Gallop by eight. What gives? Could clandestine manipulation by the junior Senator from New York have something to do with it? Sources inside the posh Capitol Hill offices of Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton say yes.

Phone records turned into Fit-To-Print News indicate frequent daily calls to all three polling organizations, in addition to Rasmussenreports, which also shows the President pulling away in his race against Massachusetts’s own junior Senator John Kerry.

Hillary said privately on Tuesday that the more Bush appears to lead Kerry in the polls, the lower traditional Democratic voter turnout will be. Critics have long argued that Hillary Clinton would prefer to see Kerry lose to make way for her own nomination in 2008, though she has flatly denied it.

“You can see it in her eyes,” our source reports. “She’s like a starved woman slavering over a Thanksgiving dinner. She can almost taste the presidency.”

A witness corroborated, adding, “If she had a mustache, she’d be twisting it like Simon Legree.”

Insiders also insist that a recent press release stating that Hillary’s post-op husband Bill is too fatigued to campaign for Kerry are greatly exaggerated. “I watched him absolutely cream Mary Beth Cahill in a squash match last Tuesday,” our source said. “His sweat had sweat, if you know what I mean.”

Bill Clinton Demands Kerry Step Down

(NEW YORK) -- In a fiery speech in Harlem’s famed John the Baptist church, Clinton demanded Kerry step down as the presumptive presidential nominee of the Democrat Party.

“We need honesty from our leaders,” he said, pounding his fist on the pulpit. “And Kerry hasn’t been honest.”

Flanked by his wife Hillary, and Al Sharpton, Clinton excoriated Kerry as a serial exaggerator who fudged on his war-time activities. “He won’t feel your pain like I feel your pain,” Clinton said, paraphrasing one of his more memorable lines. “Because he’s never felt pain.”

Members of the congregation met Clinton’s remarks with repeated “amens,” and “praise the Lords.”

Clinton’s wife, Hillary, now junior Senator from New York, is widely regarded as 2008’s presidential frontrunner on the Democrat side. Clinton, however, refused to suggest his wife as Kerry’s replacement, should he step down.